Dateline 2014
In yet another attempt to distract debt ridden Americans from the reality that we are now knee deep in the worst economic situation since our grandparents were ruled by a crippled pseudo-dictator, The Food Network and the Landry's media conglomerate have teamed up to bring us a battle royale that could only be rivaled by the riot that took place during Martha Stewart's first week in prison. That's right, domestic goddesses Rachel Ray and Giada De Laurentiis will be going toe to toe in a mixed martial arts extravaganza next month on pay per view. This bout of the beauties promises to be infinitely more sexy than anything broadcast in the past few years, and is expected to bring in more money into Vegas casinos than Paula Deen vs. Barefoot Contessa bikini cage fight and Lagasse vs. Flay death match combined. As an added bonus, the two culinary queens will forgo the traditional UFC octagon format and have opted to duke it out in an ankle deep pool of EVOO thus fulfilling every 30-35 year old male's ultimate cream dream.
TALE OF THE TAPE:
Rachel Ray seems to be the overwhelming favorite at Las Vegas sports books, bringing to the table a larger frame, proven endurance and a rumored reputation of being a ruthless bitch behind the scenes of her 15 hit television shows. The 45 year old Ray has been training for the contest in seclusion for past 6 months and has reportedly been sparring with UFC legend Chuck Liddel. Sources from Camp Ray tell us that she has really taken to the ground game and plans to take De Laurentiis to the mat early in the match and score a win by submission in the first round.
Giada De Laurentiis seems to be enjoying her underdog status, saying "It only motivates me more when I someone tells me I'm going to have my ass handed to me. What the book makers don't know is that for the past 15 years I've been keeping this tight body of mine in shape with Muay Thai and Brazilian Capoeira." Convinced that size does not matter the 43 year old Giada hasn't let anyone in on her fight strategy, only saying "...that peppy, thunder-thighed bitch has no idea what she signed up for." Though the smart money is on Ray, De Laurentiis is clearly the fan favorite, and promises to provide an amazing opponent for Ray.
Undercard match-ups for the September 11th have yet to be confirmed, but there are rumors that exiled former President Barack Obama will be taking on former NFL disgrace Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and musical genius Ryan Cabrera has been in talks with the UFC in hopes to lure arch nemises Jesse McCartney out of rehab for a first blood match in which the loser would vow never to crack the Billbord Top 40 ever again. This proposition still seems highly unlikely to insiders in the ultimate fighting community, not because of a lack of physical ability by either of the former TigerBeat heart throbs, but more simply because neither of them have made there way up the Billboard charts in the first place.
TALE OF THE TAPE:
Rachel Ray seems to be the overwhelming favorite at Las Vegas sports books, bringing to the table a larger frame, proven endurance and a rumored reputation of being a ruthless bitch behind the scenes of her 15 hit television shows. The 45 year old Ray has been training for the contest in seclusion for past 6 months and has reportedly been sparring with UFC legend Chuck Liddel. Sources from Camp Ray tell us that she has really taken to the ground game and plans to take De Laurentiis to the mat early in the match and score a win by submission in the first round.
Giada De Laurentiis seems to be enjoying her underdog status, saying "It only motivates me more when I someone tells me I'm going to have my ass handed to me. What the book makers don't know is that for the past 15 years I've been keeping this tight body of mine in shape with Muay Thai and Brazilian Capoeira." Convinced that size does not matter the 43 year old Giada hasn't let anyone in on her fight strategy, only saying "...that peppy, thunder-thighed bitch has no idea what she signed up for." Though the smart money is on Ray, De Laurentiis is clearly the fan favorite, and promises to provide an amazing opponent for Ray.
Undercard match-ups for the September 11th have yet to be confirmed, but there are rumors that exiled former President Barack Obama will be taking on former NFL disgrace Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and musical genius Ryan Cabrera has been in talks with the UFC in hopes to lure arch nemises Jesse McCartney out of rehab for a first blood match in which the loser would vow never to crack the Billbord Top 40 ever again. This proposition still seems highly unlikely to insiders in the ultimate fighting community, not because of a lack of physical ability by either of the former TigerBeat heart throbs, but more simply because neither of them have made there way up the Billboard charts in the first place.
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1 comment:
Colby, you are so funny. When are you guys going to be friends with us?
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